miss home...cant wait to go home..
u know, when u are down...and don feel like it, all u think of??
its HOME...

home is where the heart is. no mattter how far u are
how long u are out, at the end of the day
home is where u wanna go bac to.

tats wat i am feeling now. miss my mummy...
my sister's jokes...and my papa's food.
haiz...gonna be at home after my finals....
its like...home sweet home.

my mummy just called me today, asking me how am i, how is study week goin on?
i told her...ok...nothing much.
din want her to worry...its just so heart breaking..
since young, i always let my mum worry.
no matter wat i do, say or watever....she will always be worried.
its like i never grow up. now...still the same to donkey...
he also feels like i still haven grow up...
sikit pun tak de...

haiz....seriously...i need to do some soul searching la...
its like..so serious di.
omFg....

day4 night....

haiz....just finish talking to donkey.
dono...talked till its like...i always don get him, midund him...makes things hard for him..
make him sad..angry..disappointed...haiz....
dam it...!!!!

how leh? i also dono...i really dono him? is tat possible??
how can tat be? omg....lost.
if i dono him...then..how can i fall for him??
if i dono him..and fall for him..means wat? i am wat?
omg...this is so zzz..~~

arven n just called to say she is not comin over anymore. thanks god...
i wont know wat to say to her...cos, b4 this, she said she's alone..
scared...so..ok lo...let her stay the night..
but, its gonna be so so..zzz
keke...good ting she is goin out for a movie..hahahaha

at least...something went right today....haiz..
mayb i am not good enough..
..oooooooooooooo..

day4: evening...

whole day of studying...zz...getting so bored. so much to read..haiz!!! miss him so muich....cant wait. he is having the prize giving thingy now...and, he is so pissed...zzz..poor donkey...haiz

but...i am getting sick...!!!! oh no...flu...haiz...sad sad....dam it la..must get well soon. else...cant study...

haiz...i am dying...

day 4: early mornin...

so emo now....dono la...donkey say me just now...ask me to think about my priorities...but, i really wanna finish my gift for him...

i admit i am really tired...but, don scold me la...i know u are not scolding me la...just saying me..but, very emo u know? sad...no mood wanna do things di. nothing can come out from me brains now. cos...kinda unwell...emotionally.

dono..feel like just giving up...don wanna do it anymore. haiz...should now hav even thought of it. zzz...feeling extra stupid. but, i don wanna throw everything away just like tat...i really want him to hav it...haiz...

lost now...zzz...and..very sad. dam sad. at the same time, cos he is even more tired than i am...he is very very very emo. feeling zzz la....haiz...

i don think so...hmmm...

today...my old fren msg me. could not reply her...cos..she would be a very very long winded person...then my days are finished. haiz...she asked me, is crying a very wrong thing. asking me? zzz...i dono...is it??

when u are down...lost...and tired, u dont wanna talk, feel like just keeping to urself but u cant, cos probs keep on comin in. making ur life so sick...then, i don think crying is wrong. it releases everything inside. all the stress we hav. is tat wrong? of cos not.

some ppl cry...cos..they really dono wat else can they do. where to seek help, and from whom. haiz...wonder how would tat be when it reaches a person who is already almost at the edge of giving up. zzz....they will commit suicide!!!! haiz....sad case. but, they cant do much.

to me, tats the most stupidest question to ask. wanna cry, just cry la. zzz...i don think i hav so much time to bother bout who is crying around me, what they are sad about, why they are doin this, wat can i do to help....all these la. if i hav nothing to do, mayb la, but, right now, no way la..stupid. try solving ur own probs, tats the best. zzz...speachless.

day 3: evening...

zzz...pissed off la...seriously! after the movie...everything is: fucking!

haiz...i feel sometimes...ppl think i am pekak. haiz...1st was donkey...zzz...then my roomie. wats wrong? wat i did?? pissed.

i know..i am always smart...when things go wrong, i will manja the person tat i stepped on...then they wont get angry di...ya...zzz..

how i wished i cant hear anything. zzz...then i can hav a short nap. all i am asking is that, very hard? too much? wow..looks like...i am really a demanding person.

a wish from me..tat is to disappear. then...i wont hav any problems any more. things will be like as if they never exsisted. good. just the way i wanted them to be.

haiz....just don feel like talking much. moodless. a moodless day for me. wished i ws sick. then i can sleep.

day 3 mornin....

haiz...another mornin...stupid day...din slp the whole night yesterday. was doin my stuf....looking through my guidelines. preparing for finals la...zzz....moodless today. went out for supper at 3 something with kk...zzz...he was hungry..so i accompanied him lo..and ate also la...zzz...grow fat only. haiz...cant resist temptation. dam it!!! gotta be a little stronger...hehe....

last night, donkey told me tat today would be a very very busy day for him...sad...sad...no time for me...haiz..wat to do..gotta und...hehe..gonna miss him lots...and i already do! ZZzzZZZzzZzzzz

wondered why some ppl thinks tat we lived for them? when its their prob, we hav to solve them. haiz..responsibilities. hate them when i am in the lazy mood. fish!!!! wonder wats next...today..after cutting and doin some of wat i am suppose to do..keke...wonder wats next...haiz...another boring day ahead..study....

gotta make a trip to uni...now...haiz...hate walking...

donkey!!!!!!

when donkey messages me....at all times...

then donkey is by me side....hehe....sweet sweet!!!

when donkey is not with me.....sad sad.....


its a donkey world out there.....blek!!!!!
love him lots!

day 2: evening...

o...after meeting..came bac to find..my roomie left for selayang di...haiz...zzz...boring...!!!!! msg me donkey...he is still in it...kesian....haiz!!!! wished i was there..keke...(as if i can make things better.)

waiting for him to come on9...while doin that...studying my ob...not that i like...but hav to!!! stupid right??? haiz....

will hav dinner soon with my"bro" kk....

day2...afternoon:

due to morning classes...got up early and made myself busy in class..but..zzz..din feel too good in class just now. dono y..mayb cos hungry...then the meds too some bad action in my tummy...haiz...

came bac after my breakfast...nice...haha...was a great meal.
went to the shop to get some stuf to make something for my donkey...hehe...told him tat he has to use it...no matter wat. haha...
he said ok..no prob. keke...nice..

had a nap just now...wonderful. just wat i needed. a pig needs it.
wishing donkey was here....blek!!
goin for a meeting later....then..mayb yam cha of see how lo..
gotta come bac and study...hehe....guide lines were given today.
hopefully...will be able to be faster than planned.
then can do more things.

din go for itm tutorials just now. boring la..lazy wanna go.
my roomie just left...she has meeting too...and then later, goin to find her bf...keke..
she's gonna miss him lots too, he is goin bac to kuantan to work.
this fri last day...haiz....sad case.

gtg soon....haiz..goin bac to the shop to get another few more things..hehe..
hope it works out right. just the way i wanted it to. will start doin it after i finish wat i am suppose to do..

yeah.....

ever wondered...where do lonely hearts go?? whitney sang tat song..
zzz....haha....

1st day...night:

o...went by without much probs..just..missing him really badly. he got sort of like made used of..thats really very sickening!!!! i cant care to see it. haiz...this is really crazy!

and, today, he told me his results for his leg thingy was out. and...he might hav to go for another op. i am so so so scared!!!!! dono wat would it be like...goin through wat he told me yesterday...his ex during the 1st one. omg....save me....cant bare to see this.

made a deal with him today...to tell him after 2 months. i need time...thankfully, he und..and is not giving me any pressure. tats the best part. thanks donkey!!!!! hehe

sometimes...i find it hard to belive, how much ppl can do, for love. makes me wonder y certain ppl cant. haunting my days all these while. hope it gets off soon. i wonder if anyone knows it. zzz...its a strange and funny place out there...

day1: mornin...

day 1: my donkey is not free...he had to gt up mush more earlier then expected...and, msged me that he will be early..
o....mornin was ok...planned my finals revision period...gotta start early cos donkey is comin down..and wanna spend time with him..for the last few days...hehe..
my diary is kinda full...lots to cover, but little time. plus, the excitement that baby donkey is comin..hehe..nice!! cant wait. but, for the next few days, its gonna be kinda killing for me...
don worry, i will be strong!!! hehe...
something bout women is that they are strong...i guess..at times.
talk to the hand...zzz!!!!
and i just downloaded a few cartoons, hehe..cant wait to watch them..wonder if donkey wants to watch too..hehe...he got the 7am bus ticket on sunday...haha...and i will meet him at the bus station, pudu.
zzz...its outta control...blek!
its only mornin...lost but, still aware of the condition.
miss u!!! blek

donkey!!!

oh...another few more hours and i will b in isolation...zzzz...
donkey wont be free from the 27th till the 1st...but, i can survive..can do my revision and spend time studying!!! zzz right...unbelievable..haha...
but, i cant wait for him to come on the 2nd. he will reach here at lunch time...hehe..i will go down to pudu to meet him!!! hehe...then on the 5th, we will go bac to our hometown together... he bac in AS, and me in JB...zzz...sadsad...the parting is the worst thing in my life!

stupid line having probs everyday...cant go on9...sometimes, like wat my roomie says, its bcoz we don pay...our rather..eric din't pay..on time!!!! haiz...dono y he just cant pay when we pay him every month!! its just down the street wat...haiz...lazy bums!! but, if u ask me to go and pay..hehe...i will be lazy too..but, he is the head of the house wat...responsibilities!!!! dong dong dong...

finally...i got myself a new room, me and my roomie...both a room each! same place at cypress...but, not bac la...next blog... its my frens unit...she is staying there...and, we find it a pleasent place...for the beginning la....hehe...wont know how its like..staying in it...right?? haha..

sem is comin to an end...suddenly...so many otes to copy...cos, din go for class..zzz...yes..me fault!! haha...lazy wat...all management subs only...haiz..don care la..tats y..now its like killing.. but, its nice too...getting the chance to hav fun during classes...haahaa...ponteng...lalala... tats my old hobby!!! yeah...!!!

no no no!!!!!

its not the price i pay, its how much i get outta it. i don care how many times i have been hurt. or how many times i have to get hurt. i miss him, yes i do. but, distance is such a torturing thing. even parents are so so so stressing. relationships go bad if they are in stress...and might even hav to go to the extreme...no one knows, and no one will und, wat the feeling is like, to be trapped between to things..and making all the fucked up decisions...its really not very very nice. i told him, tat i am very emo bout his freedom. and the time he can actually freely go around...zzz...does not make things work right?? i am lost. in total bull crap!! bloody!

its very hurting to find that u cant do this, cant do that...the no trust there is so so so sickening!!!! ur parents don trust u, and they don give u freedom at all...and, its really making me so tired. i dono how long i cant withstand this whole thing. sometimes, in a relationship, lying is a very very hard thing to do. and, its very very sick too!!! makes u feel so all weak inside. and...sad too!!!! tiring is the word. and that is something i really doo wat to do about. in fact, i cant do anything bout it!!!!

my best fren was just asking me how, cos her bf never bothers bout her. its already 2 yrs...and guys some how or rather can just give up that easily. y?? i really don und. y?? he can just let the days go by without calling her, msging her...wat kinda bf is this?? and he claims he loves her?? bull crap la...
are girls really that stupid???
i really wonder. cant we fight for ourselves?? making our lives better?? its like..men are controling it, and making it so so so bad!!! b4 this, i nvr had such missing probs...nor having to find time with him..or any particular person. now, its so heart breaking!!! i kinda wonder...how she manages all this!! she is really strong. a bf is there to give us support, and vice versa...but, she is supporting herself..and all alone..doin that.

i know, life is not all bout this, but, is a major impact in me. tats y...i find it impossible to just let go. just let nature take its time...letting things do wat they are suppose to...its so..not me! ppl say, go a step and take a look around, then take the next. i dono how we're goin to take the next step. tell me...

basically...its life la..just the ups and downs...

like no way man!!!!

sometimes, it really has got u on hold. being in a relationship, it does have its side effects, and when u are making a turning point to get one done, there are things u gotta sacrifice. does it look very no no to u?? i don see the main purpose. if 2 cant commit to each other, making last minute changes on each other's trust and so on..wats the point? u wanna have a girl by ur side, make her trust u as much as u can trust her. make her feel that she is there...if u cant, then don give her high hopes at the beginning.. i don see the point. y do ppl have to go through all these nonsense? yea...some say, it was the other party who got themselves into trouble. hey, u know something, trouble dont spell themselves k? we spell them and we made them. the way they are. we don have a choice? bull crap!!!! wat do u mean? feelings don just go away for a reason. we made them left us. we made them lost inside out hearts. does it even matter to some one that u don care anymore?? said...is easier to be than done. trust me, u gotta realise this urself. when u are in such, u wont know what are u thinkin at all...making others wonder...and ponder. they suffer. do u get the fun? no...of cos not!!
when my fren told me bout ur play, i was shock. really, trust me to trust u so much! how can that be happening to u?? a person i looked up so highly upon!!!! give me a chance to say that this is all wrong. my impression on u was like..down the drain oh lord!!! really....

when u told me that there was nothing, u think i am stupid?? do i lookstupid?? to u?? do i? fren, give u a piece of advice, nvr judge a book by its cover.
trust these words and they will bring u a long way out there...

max!!

sometimes, its not easy to say wat u really feel inside. to ppl around u or those whom u don reallt know. its really not very nice, keeping everythin inside. not that u don wanna talk about it, but, u just cant say it. u like it or not, u have to accept it and take it the way it is...thats y, life's sucks!

so?? not everyone is the same.

same source, adam and eve. but, so? all can be so different. there are so many types of ppl in this world. it does not matter if u are from the same cultural or not, but, i have to say, ppl with their own thought, own mentality are also out there. to me, if you cant accept the fact that not everyone has to agree with u, then something is wrong with u. u might have something call attitude prob.

i did it?? i don think so. i am not tat powerful.

really?

wow! i cant believe it? is this really true?? KK told me that simon wants to sabotage our social night! zzz...i cant let this happen. he has being very stupid. he went to kc and told her stuf, and ask her not to tell anyone, me also...and, he came to me and ask tell me stuf, and told me not to tell anyone. zzz...now, that is really a stupid move. he should jolly well know, who are we. we are like...so...close. how would it be possible to not let each other know bout this? is a society, no way! he is outta his mind.

however, i on the other hand, would like to see how far can he continue this game. remember the saying, keep ur frens close, keep ur enemies closer! this is wat i and 3 of my closer members think. bull crap! zzz...playing with the wrong company! brainless! this is goin to be the joke of the century!!!!

total chillout!

its been a whole day. wow. tat was like...cool! after the midterm for my OB paper, i was like a bird. i cant wait to get home...miss my mum and my sister. my dad is gonna get tickets for me later. he just made a call to asked me bout the details.

after test, simon, the vice of src called me up and asked me to meet him at dsa, it was after my paer, and all of us wanted to get some lunch. haiz...wat to do. had no choice. zzz...went over to meet him again. well, as usual, expected...i knew wat was he goin to tell me. bout the social night.

he wanted a join. how was tat possible?? i mean, we have both different objectives, and the program flow it totally different. he has a dream, so does cds. not to say, i should not lie, i was not really into it. but, i knew how he felt. the want ans desire to fulfill his dream. just tat, there was one small problem, he forgot that his dream is not a one man show thing. he din realize that playing the whole ting by himself is impossible. unable to get the support from ms sum, he was really desperate....or should i say...very upset. his dream...was like..down the drain! however, he actually made a call to the dean, mr lai, and mr lai actually seem very into his idea of having the FAM anniversary night. well, monday wanting me to meet up with him, was the best he could try to pursued me to actually either join forces or cancel mine! ITS A BIG NONO!!!!! asking to cancel this dream of cds is totally bull crap! i cant imgaine he actually had tat in mind, or something like join force. then came the reality part. who is gonna take charge and lead. i am very sure that cds is able to take charge themselves, without the need of others. and i have faith in the oc and her vice. basically, i don see the connection here??? its like...impossible??!!

i wanted to tell him there and then, but, tot of wat mr lai would think, cds chair, a very very thick headed person...hmmm...i am not letting cds into the bad books of the uni. tats y i have decided to meet up with mr lai and see how much he can try and talk to me. i stand at the point of not wanting to hurt anyone, not my committee, not src.

its a decision that i have to make...and its all after a day of craps! this is life, gotta handle it just the way it wants to be....

love it, live it!

save me

save me from temptation
save me from anger
save me from irritation
save me from confusion
save me from all these
that will do me no good

has it been always me?
has it always been like this?
has it caused me much sufferings?
has it made me the who i am?

why do i have to take all these?
why do i have to swallow all?
why is it me?
why was it me who always gets it?
why me?

i don see the relation
i don see the pride
i don see the benefits
i don see any
so..wats the point?

its not my fault
its non of my business
its not me in that situation
its not under my control

but, i can change it
i can get away from it
i can manage it if i want to
i will find my way
even if i hurt u
I AM SORRY
but, too bad, its all done
the cut is there

save me from this,
and u will be ok
but, do it fast
i have lots of temper in me
waiting to be exploded into ashes
like a volcano erupting
a hurricane raising
a mad dog on the run

save me...i need wat i need
the peace and freedom
the wanting of having my life
the freedom of speech
the freedom of reality
the freedom of killing


give me the license to kill
or the power to demolish
give me time to let go
or the mind to forget
give it to me.
all will be in peace

dam it!

i am burning red! just like this color! life's sucks when u have to tolerate so many things. things are fine, but, ppl are the worst thing in life u will every wanna think of. i just cant imagine, how can she be such a selfish person. so? awal awal already kasi muka masam. hello, org ada kacau lu semasa tidur ke? think la k? really attitude prob. asked u k, if u wanna eat later b4 class, u din say anything! i am talking to a wall izit? fine, from now on, u lead ur life, an i will go mine. u can call ur bf everyday to temen u here, and i will b out of this place asap. one i get a room right, i will leave. don worry. try appreciating me k? cos, u cant afford a room to urself. i don care bout the deposit la..i really don give a dam. 700 or wat ever....ur face gives me cancer, which is not worth 700 only. now u know, improving urself k? think about it! fuck u!